Many of us try to shield our children by limiting their exposure to death when, in fact, we’re really doing them a disservice. Children deserve the opportunity to learn about death and incorporate this knowledge into their current understanding of the world.

However, your child’s capacity to understand death — and your approach to discussing it with them — should vary according to age. While each child is unique, keep these general guidelines in mind when broaching this delicate topic with them.

Your preschool child (under 5 or 6 years old)

Keep in mind that until kids are about 5 or 6 years old, their view of the world is very literal. And they may have trouble understanding the finality of death.

• Explain the death in basic and concrete terms. For example, if their grandfather has died, explain to your toddler that his body wasn’t working anymore and the doctors couldn’t fix it. If an accident caused a loved one’s death, tell your child that because of this sad event, the person’s body stopped working.
• Don’t be surprised if after you’ve explained a loved one’s death, your child continues to ask where he is or when the person is returning. Rather than get frustrated, calmly reiterate that the person has died and can’t come back.
• Avoid using euphemisms. Since children think so literally, phrases such as “passed away,” “went away,” or “went to sleep” might make them afraid to go to sleep or fearful whenever someone goes away.

Your elementary school-age child (ages 6 to 10)

At this age, your child is likely beginning to grasp the finality of death and may personify death as the boogeyman or a ghost. They may also connect things that aren’t related; for example, they may think that if they had wished hard enough, their grandma would still be alive.

• Subside their anxiety and avoid confusion. Make sure you provide your child with accurate, simple and honest explanations about what occurred and that there was nothing they could have done.
• Recognize that some children cry to express their grief while others don’t. That doesn’t mean, however, that both aren’t equally affected by a loved one’s death.

Your tween or teen

As your children hit their teens, their understanding of death has significantly evolved, prompting questions about mortality and vulnerability. For example, if your 16-year-old’s friend dies in a car accident, your teen might be reluctant to ride in a car for a while.

• Ease their worries. Remind them how to stay safe, like why it’s never a good idea to get in a car with a drunk driver, and empathize with the sadness of the event.
• Offer other sources of support. If your teen’s grief is more than you can handle, seek help from external sources. Books, counsellors, community organizations — they are all valuable resources.

To find organizations that offer grief counselling in your area, search “grief” in the We can find support section of this website.